were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
