Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
