I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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