He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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