Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
