not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
