Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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