I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
