yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
