the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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