good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
