I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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