PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No subtext here. People are naked.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
