I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
