Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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