I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
