I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize