I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
