if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize