Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I touched a dick in church today
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize