I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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