for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
