Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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