There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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