I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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