Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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