Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
