I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
