remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
