turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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