So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
