Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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