If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
