i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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