I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
