sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
