I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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