Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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