You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize