my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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