Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
