Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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