He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
