If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
