We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
