I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
