can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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