I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize