This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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