You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
