I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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