She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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