They should really pass out barf bags in church
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
