You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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