Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
