@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
