He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
