Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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