Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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