You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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