Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
