So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
