got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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