I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
