I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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