You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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