You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
