your parents love me but you hate me
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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