This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His nipple licking is glorious
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